{"id":2583,"date":"2025-03-20T20:05:38","date_gmt":"2025-03-21T03:05:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/?p=2583"},"modified":"2025-03-25T11:03:17","modified_gmt":"2025-03-25T18:03:17","slug":"keeping-parents-in-the-dark","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/?p=2583","title":{"rendered":"Keeping Parents in the Dark"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"post-content\">\n<p>\u201cI want to tell you something, but you can\u2019t tell anyone else, ok?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019ve heard this from many teens. I am ethically bound to maintain client confidentiality, including with younger clients, except in certain specific cases. Sometimes what a teen wants to share must be disclosed for safety reasons\u2014they are suicidal, an adult is harming them. Much more often, the topic is complex and important but does not require me to break confidentiality. Sometimes I sit with an uneasy awareness of just how much parents would want to know the thing their teen is sharing with me, that I am about to keep confidential.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>\u201cI had sex.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>\u201cMy friends are pressuring me to drink.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>\u201cI\u2019m really good at shoplifting.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m transgender.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>With topics like this, I have two responsibilities: first, to support a kid who is dealing with something they don\u2019t know how to handle yet, and second, to challenge the black and white thinking that leaves teens believing \u201cmy parents would never understand!\u201d A kid who discloses something tough to a therapist is a kid who wants help from adults. The therapeutic relationship, with its promise of confidentiality, makes asking for that help a little easier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Right now, there is a push for policies requiring school personnel to notify parents when a student discloses they are trans. Those promoting such policies present an either\/or: you can either force schools to out kids immediately, or you can have activist-led schools that will keep parents in the dark. This is false, harmful, and counterproductive. Trans youth are <a href=\"https:\/\/www.jahonline.org\/article\/S1054-139X(19)30922-X\/fulltext\" data-type=\"link\" data-id=\"https:\/\/www.jahonline.org\/article\/S1054-139X(19)30922-X\/fulltext\">twice as likely to attempt suicide<\/a> as their cisgender peers, and suicide attempts by trans youth <a href=\"https:\/\/www.npr.org\/sections\/shots-health-news\/2024\/09\/25\/nx-s1-5127347\/more-trans-teens-attempted-suicide-after-states-passed-anti-trans-laws-a-study-shows\" data-type=\"link\" data-id=\"https:\/\/www.npr.org\/sections\/shots-health-news\/2024\/09\/25\/nx-s1-5127347\/more-trans-teens-attempted-suicide-after-states-passed-anti-trans-laws-a-study-shows\">increase when anti-trans legislation is passed<\/a>, as is happening now around the US. In the current political climate, trans youth are terribly vulnerable. School counseling staff, teachers, and other caring adults are in a position to help. Therapists and teachers understand that teens do best with healthy, loving, supportive, and accountable relationships with their parents. We understand it is almost always better to help teens figure out how to share something difficult with their parents than to condone secrecy. What the pundits don&#8217;t understand is that confidentiality allows us to do that delicate work. Not having to break confidentiality immediately means we can take the time we need to figure out how to get the teen from, \u201cMy parents cannot know about this,\u201d to, \u201cI think I\u2019m ready to tell them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Consider two scenarios, each beginning with a student dropping in at the school counseling office:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p><strong>Scenario #1<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cHey, what would happen if I told you I was trans?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cIf you told me you were trans, I\u2019d need to share that with your parents. I\u2019m not allowed to keep information about students\u2019 gender identity confidential.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cOK, well\u2026 bye!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p><strong>Scenario #2<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cHey, what would happen if I told you I was trans?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cWhat would happen?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cYeah, like would you have to tell my dad?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cOh, I see. No, that\u2019s not the type of thing I need to tell parents about. If you told me you were trans, I\u2019d want to know how I could support you, but it would be up to you what happened next.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cOK, well, you\u2019re not going to believe this.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m trans.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cThank you for telling me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(eyeroll) \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cWhat made you decide to tell me?&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;I don&#8217;t want to feel like I&#8217;m hiding who I am all the time. I just wanted to be sure you wouldn\u2019t have to tell my parents. My dad would literally murder me if he knew.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cYour dad would\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cOh my god, not like that. He just\u2026 he hates trans people.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cHe hates trans people.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cYeah, anytime he sees a trans person, he has to make a shitty joke, and I\u2019m just like, \u2018you have no idea what you\u2019re talking about!\u2019 But I can\u2019t say anything.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cWhat do you wish you could say?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cUgh\u2026 like shut up? Like, just stop talking. You sound so stupid, it\u2019s embarrassing.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s embarrassing.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cYeah! Like, I wish I didn\u2019t care, I wish I could just hate him and ignore everything he says, but I can\u2019t. Isn\u2019t that pathetic?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cYou hope he\u2019ll change, stop making those nasty comments.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cRight, like I said\u2014pathetic.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>In scenario #1, my hands are tied. This student is wrestling with gender identity and feels they can\u2019t talk to their parents about it. If they talk to me about it any further, I\u2019ll have to tell their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In scenario #2, I can do my job. From our first conversation, I understand this student is wrestling with gender identity and fears how their dad will react. I also hear they wish things could be better with their dad. Going forward, my goals with this student would be:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Build rapport and trust so the student is comfortable coming to me for support.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Help the student identify other safe, caring adults in their life who can help\u2014Dad makes transphobic jokes, but what about Mom? Is there an older sibling, cousin, aunt, or uncle who might be supportive?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Get more information about the student\u2019s relationship with their dad: they wish things could be better and I want to help; I won\u2019t know how to support them with that until I know more about the relationship.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Answer the student\u2019s questions about using a different name or pronouns in school if and when they ask. (This might be where I lose some folks, but to me it\u2019s a safety issue: when a kid says, \u201cI\u2019m trans, please call me by these pronouns,\u201d and at least some adults in their life honor the request, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.thetrevorproject.org\/research-briefs\/acceptance-from-adults-is-associated-with-lower-rates-of-suicide-attempts-among-lgbtq-young-people-sep-2023\/\" data-type=\"link\" data-id=\"https:\/\/www.thetrevorproject.org\/research-briefs\/acceptance-from-adults-is-associated-with-lower-rates-of-suicide-attempts-among-lgbtq-young-people-sep-2023\/\">that kid\u2019s risk of suicide plummets<\/a>. It&#8217;s similar to respecting a student&#8217;s decision to start going by Charles instead of Charlie, except it can save their life.)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>I won\u2019t pretend that scenario #2 is guaranteed to lead to the student coming out to their dad. But my experience with teens (as well as a robust body of peer-reviewed research) tells me scenario #2 is unquestionably better for kids <em>and parents<\/em> than scenario #1.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As I shared in my <a href=\"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/?p=2577\" data-type=\"link\" data-id=\"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/?p=2577\">previous post about youth suicide assessments<\/a>, I deeply appreciate and empathize with parents\u2019 concerns regarding confidentiality and mental health interventions. Parents want to know what\u2019s going on with their kids, especially when it comes to mental health. That\u2019s normal and good. This push for forced-outing policies is another example of appropriate parental concern being weaponized for politics. Of course it is scary to imagine schools keeping information from parents. But that\u2019s not what these policies prevent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Let\u2019s return to scenario #2 and imagine a couple of possible outcomes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s possible that, as I get to know this student better and we talk about their relationship with their dad, I get a picture of a father who mocks and belittles his kids. &#8220;My sister was so excited about being cast in the musical&#8211;she&#8217;s in the chorus; Dad was like, &#8216;You know that&#8217;s not a real part, right? If you did good in the audition, you&#8217;d have a real part, so stop acting like this is a big deal.'&#8221; It&#8217;s not about the transphobic jokes. &#8220;I completely bombed my math test&#8211;I studied, but this class is really hard&#8211;it was so frustrating! When I told my dad about it, he was like, &#8216;So you were lazy and irresponsible, and now you want me to feel sorry for you? You&#8217;re stupid, but you&#8217;re not <em>that<\/em> stupid!'&#8221; I can appreciate why this student doesn&#8217;t feel safe to come out to their dad about being trans&#8211;or to share anything personal with him. We focus on identifying other supportive adults in their family and community whom the student can safely come out to. I neither push the student to come out to their dad, nor do I declare him a lost cause. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s also possible that, as I get to know the student better, I see glimmers of hope that their relationship with their dad could change. We identify other supportive adults in their life, as well as working on strategies for communicating with their dad. One day, the student shares this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p>\u201cHe made another stupid joke about trans people, and I just couldn&#8217;t take it anymore. I was like, &#8216;Dad, what is wrong with you? That&#8217;s not funny!&#8217;\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cWoah.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cYeah, and at first he tried to argue with me like, \u2018What? Are you some kind of precious little snowflake who gets triggered by jokes?\u2019 And I was like, \u2018No, I\u2019m just sick of it. It\u2019s boring, and it\u2019s cringe! I wish you could just talk to me like a normal person\u2026\u2019 I don\u2019t know what happened, but it\u2019s like a lightbulb clicked on for him.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cHe got it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cYeah! I was like, \u2018Dad, remember when I was 10 and I wouldn\u2019t stop talking in a fake British accent?\u2019 and he was like, \u2018Oh no!\u2019 And I was like, \u2018Oh yeah. That\u2019s what you\u2019re doing.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cOhhhhh! So it wasn\u2019t that something clicked about trans people\u2014something clicked about the way he was repeating these jokes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cYeah! And he finally stopped! I\u2019m still not ready to come out to him yet, but I feel like he really listened to me, and I never thought that would happen.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>When a kid comes out as trans, it is not an emergency. There are predictable risks, and we should take them seriously, but it is not an emergency. Allowing trans youth to seek support from other safe adults before they are ready to come out to their parents concretely reduces suicide and other mental health risks <em>and<\/em> gives them a chance to figure out how to tell their parents. Consider: if your teen is agonizing over something important and saying, &#8220;My parents would never understand!&#8221; would you rather they be venting to a peer (&#8220;Yeah, they&#8217;d probably lock you in the house forever. Your secret is safe with me!&#8221;) or a caring adult (&#8220;I hear you&#8211;you&#8217;re worried they wouldn&#8217;t understand. I&#8217;m curious what makes you think that&#8230;&#8221;)? This is not about undermining parental authority. Though I cherish the role I get to play in teens\u2019 lives as their therapist, I know they need their parents more than they need me. Teachers understand this, too. We want kids to have the best possible relationships with their parents. We want kids to tell their parents about important things. When a kid faces something really tricky, and they don&#8217;t know how to tell their parents yet, we are in a position to help. Forced-outing policies don&#8217;t keep parents informed about their kids&#8211;they just prevent vulnerable kids from getting help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cI want to tell you something, but you can\u2019t tell<a href=\"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/?p=2583\">Read More<i class=\"fa fa-long-arrow-right\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/i><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2596,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2583","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-teens"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2583","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2583"}],"version-history":[{"count":18,"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2583\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2605,"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2583\/revisions\/2605"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2596"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2583"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2583"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2583"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}