{"id":145,"date":"2019-02-22T20:17:41","date_gmt":"2019-02-22T20:17:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/?p=145"},"modified":"2019-02-22T20:17:41","modified_gmt":"2019-02-22T20:17:41","slug":"what-if-your-teen-refuses-to-talk-with-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/?p=145","title":{"rendered":"What if your teen refuses to talk with me?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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You\u2019re worried about your teenager, and think therapy might help. Your teenager, on the other hand, wants nothing to do with therapy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

First, let\u2019s acknowledge that I may not be the right therapist for your teen. Therapy depends on the relationship between the therapist and client, and I\u2019m not going to be right for everyone. But let\u2019s imagine I could be a good fit for your teen. You and I talk on the phone, and maybe I remind you of an aunt or teacher your teen has a good relationship with. You\u2019re encouraged, but your teen continues to say, \u201cLook, you can drag me there but I\u2019m not going to talk. You\u2019re just wasting your money.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my first session, I ask you to be in the room while I go over confidentiality. I tell both of you about how I don\u2019t disclose anything a client tells me unless a) I have their explicit permission, b) they\u2019ve made a statement of wanting to harm or kill themselves or someone else, or c) they are under 18 and disclose reportable abuse that I am legally required to disclose. I tell you that I can give updates such as, \u201cAlex has been really engaged in therapy,\u201d or, \u201cAlex isn\u2019t really engaging,\u201d but nothing specific about the content of our sessions. I ask you to share a little bit about why you\u2019re concerned for your teen, who might scowl and mutter, \u201cThat\u2019s so not true.\u201d I thank you and ask to have the rest of the session one-on-one with your teen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

More often than not, teens want to have a say. If nothing else, they want to express why it\u2019s so stupid for their parents to be making them do therapy. It might go something like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Alex: This is so stupid.
Me: What\u2019s stupid?
Alex: My parents making me come here! They think I\u2019m crazy or something. 
Me: What do you think?
Alex: I think I definitely don\u2019t need therapy. 
Me: OK, what do you need? 
Alex: I don\u2019t know. Friends? A social life? 
Me: What\u2019s getting in the way of having friends and a social life? 
Alex: I don\u2019t know. 
Me: \u2026 
Alex: I don\u2019t know! Like, other people have such an easy time making friends, and for me, it\u2019s like it never works out. 
Me: That sounds really hard. 
Alex: Yeah! And so I come home and I\u2019m all upset, and my parents think I\u2019m crazy. 
Me: So, you\u2019re not crazy, you just have this thing in your life that isn\u2019t going how you expect or want. 
Alex: Right!
Me: Well, a lot of my work as a therapist is helping people figure out those types of things\u2014some part of life that isn\u2019t going how they expect. 
Alex: \u2026
Me: So, if you\u2019re willing to give it a try, I\u2019d like to see if maybe we can work together to figure some of this out. 
Alex: [mumbles] OK, I mean, my parents are already paying for it.
<\/pre>\n\n\n\n
Ok, but what if our meeting doesn\u2019t go perfectly as written above? (I admit, it\u2019s pretty easy to do therapy with an imaginary client.) What if they just sit across from me, giving me the death glare, refusing to talk at all? When that happens, I do the following: I take some deep breaths and focus on being present in the room with this person who is in pain. I think about totally accepting them as they are right now, of filling the room with a sense of acceptance and calm. I tell them, \u201cIf what you need is to sit in silence with me, that\u2019s ok. This is your time.\u201d Usually, a few minutes pass and the teen asks me, \u201cIsn\u2019t this awkward for you?\u201d and I tell them no, that I\u2019m comfortable with silence if that\u2019s what they need, but is it possible they\u2019re feeling awkward? And then we usually end up talking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If your gut is telling you that your teen needs some professional help for something like anxiety, depression, trauma, or another mental health issue, I encourage you to listen to that! Change is hard and scary, and your teen might try to dissuade you from getting them help out of fear of the unknown, but in my experience it is worthwhile to help a young person face that hard, scary thing rather than letting them avoid it.  <\/p>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
You\u2019re worried about your teenager, and think therapy might help.Read More<\/i><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-145","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-teens"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/145","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=145"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/145\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=145"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=145"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shapirocounseling.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=145"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}